Love Undecided Read online

Remi was an unexpected accident for her parents, born eighteen years after what they thought was their last child. They were planning on an early retirement when she came along and they did not appreciate the interruption of their plan.

  So, Remi spent most of her childhood in boarding schools, never getting the opportunity to get to know her parents or her two older siblings. Her parents have been happily ensconced in a retirement community in Florida since she was fifteen. Needless to say, she does not see any of them often.

  Lexie, however, had an idyllic childhood with two amazing parents who adored her, and a twin brother who was her best friend. They died on their way to visit her and celebrate her first harvest as Stone’s protégé. Lexie’s father, a commercial pilot, was flying the plane that crashed with the three of them on board. And just like that, Lexie’s entire life was gone.

  Remi and I tried to help her the best we could, but I was away in law school, and Remi was away in grad school and we couldn’t get back to San Soloman enough to be there for her. So she leaned on her boyfriend at the time, and the Strassburgs. And, together, they helped to put her back together after she fell to pieces.

  I know that even though Mavis doesn’t get to see Lexie often, they do speak on the phone almost daily, so there isn’t much to update her with. But I still update her on the basics with all of us.

  “And your health, Katarina? Is good, no?”

  “I still have no evidence of disease, so it is very good.”

  “Mazel tov.” She takes small sips of her coffee and even smaller bites of her strudel. And I pretend not to notice that she slips more strudel to the dogs than she eats herself.

  I lean over the table toward her. “Are you ready for a juicy story?”

  Her blue eyes twinkle behind her big red glasses and I swear I can see her rubbing her hands together in glee, even though she isn’t actually moving. She loves a good gossip story.

  “So, believe it or not, the detective I am working with right now, at the police department, used to date Remi in college. And, I think they still like each other.” I don’t tell her the real story of Remi and Bauer, instead I make it juicy and romantic. Embellishing for the sake of the story when needed. When I’m finished, Mavis has tears in her eyes.

  “Oh, that makes my heart happy, Katarina. Everyone deserves a second chance at love. I do hope you are happy with this boychik,” she says, blowing her nose loudly.

  “Not me, Mavis, this is about Remi,” I remind her. She nods and waves her hand at me.

  Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

  The doorbell rings and the dogs start to go a bit crazy running in circles around one another, like little tornadoes making a path for the door. I look at the time and realize it must be Bauer coming to get me.

  Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

  I open the door to a frustrated looking Bauer.

  “Didn’t find anything new?” I ask.

  “Not a thing,” he says, running his hand through his hair. The dogs jump in the air and fling themselves at the screen door trying to get at Bauer.

  Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

  Mavis makes it to the door and quiets the dogs. “Stella! Clyde! Shtum! Shtum!”

  The dogs sit at her feet, tails spinning in little circles as they wait to envelop this newcomer in their swirling vortex of fur-filled love.

  “Oy vey my little kinderlachs,” she says to them. “So feisty today.” She looks up at Bauer. “They don’t usually like gentlemen callers,” she says, as she opens the screen door to let him in.

  Stella and Clyde both start jumping as high as his thighs, trying to get his attention. They look like little ping-pong balls bouncing back and forth off the floor and his leg.

  “Mavis, this is Chance Bauer, the gentleman I was telling you about,” I say.

  “Pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” Bauer says, reaching out his hand to shake hers. Mavis takes his hand, then turns to me and says, “Katarina, if I was still a maydl, you’d have to beat me off this one with a stick, no?”

  Bauer tries to cover a laugh with a cough, clearly surprised by her comments.

  “You’ll get used to her,” I tell him. “She’s got chutzpah, isn’t that right, Mavis?”

  She reaches up and cradles my cheek in her hand, then pats it twice. “Oh, my Katarina, such a dear.”

  I can’t tell if it’s a loving gesture or a patronizing one.

  “I don’t mean to cut this visit short ma’am,” Bauer says to Mavis. “But we need to get going.”

  I lean down to give Mavis a hug. When I straighten, Bauer puts his hand on the small of my back and turns me toward the front door.

  “Ah, the libe of the young,” she says.

  I say goodbye one more time and head out the door with Bauer right behind me. We get a few houses away when he stops me and says, “You know she totally grabbed my ass, right?”

  I look up at him, a huge smile on my face. Because that definitely sounds like Mavis.

  “Twice,” he says. “And I think I liked it.”

  “Of course you did,” I say laughing at him.

  I want to be Mavis when I grow up.

  Chapter 30

  Brad

  I always considered myself to be a good chef until I attempted to make matzo ball soup for Mavis after my shift. I used the kitchen at the station since I have yet to remodel the kitchen in my house.

  Of course, the recipes seem simple, and the videos make it look foolproof. But in actuality, a matzo ball staying together once it’s in the soup, is a freak of nature. It’s taken me countless broken balls, and four different batches of soup, to get one small bowl of relatively clear broth and one ball. And it’s not even a big ball.

  If Kat were here, she would giggle at my continued use of the word ball.

  If Kat were here, her balls would be flawless.

  Now I’m laughing at the word balls.

  I grab the bowl of soup for Mavis and am out the door to bring it to her. I let Ethan’s Dad borrow my truck today so he could help someone move and am driving his sports car. It takes me a minute to get my bearings in a vehicle that is almost the complete opposite of my own: low to the ground with scant leg and headroom.

  I pull on to Mavis’ street a short time later with a sigh of relief that I didn’t spill the soup. A feat in and of itself considering my knee would get stuck at the steering wheel every time I had to push the clutch in to shift the gears. Which made for a jerky ride whenever I tried to shift, start going, or stop moving.

  I see that the Taylor house is still an active crime scene as I pass it by. I also see Kat and that guy, Bauer, walking away from Mavis’ house and toward his car. I move to honk the horn and get her attention when I see the two of them stop and she looks up at him like he’s the center of her universe. The way that she used to look at me.

  Instead of honking, I drive past, circling in the cul-de-sac, and parking on the other side of the street. I wait in the car until Kat and the guy drive away, my emotions rapidly switching between jealousy and anger. I grab the bowl and head up the walk to Mavis’ door. She answers before I have a chance to knock. The dogs having already alerted her to my visit.

  Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

  “Oh, I can’t believe you would do such a thing. Such a good boy. A true mensch,” she says when she sees the bowl of soup in my hands. She opens the screen door, then reaches up and squeezes my cheek. “Come in, come in.”

  She steps back to make room for me. The dogs are running in circles behind her.

  “I can’t stay long I’m sorry to say,” I tell her. “I have a shift that starts soon.”

  “One cup of coffee,” she says.

  I notice there are already two cups on the table of her breakfast nook. I offer to clear them for her, then grab two new cups, fill them, and bring them back to the table. She’s seated on the bench with a dog on each side of her. It’s amazing how quiet it is when they aren’t barking.

  “Did I just see someone leave?” I ask her.

  “O
h, yes. That was my bubula, Katarina, and her new beau,” she says.

  “Her beau?” I ask.

  “Oh, yes. In fact, I would introduce you if she wasn’t in love. Such a good boychik, you are.”

  I feel my heart literally stop beating.

  “In love?” I ask, my voice not much clearer than a croak. I try to clear it and ask again.

  “Such a wonderful story. I tell you. l’chaim.” She claps her hands together, then clasps them over her heart. “Young libe. Such treasure, no?”

  I nod my head, not entirely sure what she’s saying.

  “Not her new beau,” she says. “Oy, such meshugaas coming from my mouth. Is not Katarina’s new beau.”

  My breath catches as I wait for her to right my entire world.

  “Is old beau returned. And now a second chance at love.”

  And the floor falls out from under me once again. All I can do is nod at her dumbly, not quite believing what I’m hearing. My head bobbing up and down like it’s attached to a spring instead of my neck.

  Kat just told me nothing was going on between them. She never mentioned anything about knowing him before. She told me he was harmless.

  “They lost each other once,” Mavis says. “But now have found each other once again. So good to see my Katarina so happy. You will find a young maydl soon, no? Maybe have some little bubbelehs running around? I introduce you to my Remi. So pretty, that one. And so smart.”

  I don’t bother telling her that I already know who Remi is. Or that I have no desire to date her. I just smile, politely, and continue to nod my head. Not trusting that my voice will even work right now. Mavis doesn’t seem to notice, she just keeps prattling on about love.

  I feel numb all over.

  I stand and stumble toward the front door, mumbling a poor excuse for goodbye to Mavis.

  “Danke, my young mensch. Danke!” she yells after me.

  By the time I reach my car, I can’t breathe. I feel like the pain is going to swallow me whole.

  But, once I reach the fire station, I’ve devised a plan. Two can play this game. If Kat is moving on, then I am too. I reach for my phone to text Stacy.

  Chapter 31

  Kat

  Sherman makes us all go home after a couple hours to get some sleep. I am exhausted but can’t imagine sleeping right now. I make myself a cup of Sleepy Time tea and head out to the balcony to drink it before I take a nap.

  I send Remi a quick text.

  Me: So, how was The Date?

  Remi: Good! I think I like him. Is that bad? His name is Alex and he’s really great. Can I just tell you how fucking amazing his body is?

  Me: Did you have sex, little Miss Slutty Slut?

  Remi: OMG! No! Bitch. But he was standing behind me during the whole concert, in that pose where he puts his arms around your waist. God, I love it when guys do that. Anyway, his chest and abs were like rock solid. Plus, I thought I was going to climb right up his chest and try to get inside of him when he kissed me goodnight, I couldn’t get enough.

  Me: He kissed you goodnight?!?! Yay!

  I say ‘yay’ in my text, but really I’m dying just a little bit inside. Because I’m a jealous asshole.

  Remi: He said he would love to go to movie night tonight and he wants to take me to dinner this weekend!

  Me: Wow – that’s awesome!

  Remi: And, last thing, then I gotta go – he’s a face holder!

  We all agree that when a guy grabs your face with a hand on either cheek to kiss you, it’s like an instant panty dropper. Think – the ‘it’s not over scene’ in The Notebook, the one where Noah and Allie have THE kiss. Or, of course, the most romantic kiss in the entire world, the kiss between Wesley and Princess Buttercup in The Princess Bride.

  Sigh.

  Me: Damn girl, this is me being jealous!

  Remi: I gotta run, but have a good day. I’ll see you tonight. Love you!

  Me: Ditto!

  I’m happy for her, I really am.

  No I’m not.

  I am a really shitty friend.

  Like the shittiest.

  Because at the same time that I’m happy, I’m jealous. So jealous and so fucking sad. And if I’m really honest with myself, it has more to do with opportunity and what this new beginning for her represents. And no one deserves a new beginning more than Remi does.

  I will never have another new beginning with a man. That time period in the beginning of a relationship where everything is all about hope and optimism and the future. When the bad hasn’t tainted anything yet and all you know is what you can dream. And everything is as sweet and wonderful as candy and rainbows and puppies and kitties.

  I look up toward my hidden camera, I can’t help it. Somehow the camera helps me feel less lonely. And, even though I know I’m not supposed to tip him or her off that we know the camera is there, I start talking to it anyway, but tilt my head down slightly in case they’re watching.

  “You know I’ve got Metastatic Breast Cancer, right?” I say to the camera. “It’s never going away. I am never going to be okay. I’m always going to have cancer, it’s terminal, it’s always going to be killing me. It’s always going to come back.

  “How do I establish relationships knowing that? How do I commit to anything? It’s impossible, right? So why do I let Remi and Lexie stay close?”

  I pause.

  Then glance up at the camera again. “You aren’t going to give me an answer, I have no idea why I paused for one. Because I’m losing my mind, that’s why. You know my mom is always so optimistic, well, either optimistic or stupid. She thinks that every time I show no evidence of disease that I’m cured forever.

  “I can’t be that optimistic about it. I wish I could. If I could, maybe I could react differently with Brad. I mean, I guess I could just try to react differently with Brad. What do you think? Yeah, it still doesn’t change what I’d be doing to him when it comes back. Maybe I’ll text him and invite him to lunch. That’s a good idea, right? Actually the good idea is to stop talking to my creepy stalker’s fucking camera.”

  I go inside the house, rinse my tea cup in the kitchen sink, text Brad to see if he can go to lunch tomorrow and collapse on my bed. If you had doubts about what an asshole I am, I know that A-Shift works tomorrow and Brad will not be available for lunch.

  So now I can tell myself that I’ve tried to set him straight, but just haven’t been able to yet. My phone beeps back almost immediately.

  Brad: Where? I have the day off.

  That surprises me. Before I can stop myself I text,

  Me: You have the day off?

  That was stupid. Now he’s going to know that I remember his schedule. And then he’s going to wonder why I asked if I thought he was working.

  So much for my ploy of asking him when he’s not available because I’m just so busy I can’t be bothered to remember his schedule. This is why you should never play games with a guy, it always backfires.

  We make plans to meet, and I turn off my phone and head to my bed for a quick nap before movie night.

  Except that I can’t fall asleep.

  Even though I’m exhausted.

  All I want to do is sleep. Well, bury myself as far under the covers as my bed will allow, and sleep. All that usually helps when I’m at this point is tequila or my vibrator, or both. I’m too tired to get out of bed, and it’s the middle of the day and I’m a new responsible Kat who follows her therapist’s recommendations.

  So, vibrator it is.

  Against my better judgment, I start thinking about when Brad proposed.

  He was still inside me when he said he wanted to ask me a question, I looked at him, waiting, and he said. “Go shopping with me today?”

  “Sure!” I replied. I loved shopping, it didn’t even matter what we were going to buy.

  “Go shopping with me for an engagement ring so I can propose to my girl tonight. After I make her favorite meal, pairing it with one of Lexie’s bad ass wines. Topping it
off with her favorite dessert and rounding out the evening with candles for ambiance and soft lighting and the musical melodies of Tom Waits.”

  I laughed at first because he hated Tom Waits and I loved him, and our music selections at the house were always a struggle as a result. Then I realized what he had actually said and I lost my breath for just a moment.

  It’s hard sometimes to accept something that is wholly and completely positive and pure in your life when you’re so used to shit and negativity. Shit and negativity in mine being unfaithful past boyfriends, years of defending contemptible criminal clients, and the big C: cancer.

  Before I realized what was happening, I said yes. A great big, breathy yes with tears in my eyes and a sob in my throat. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve Brad Matthew’s love and devotion, but I was thankful every day for it. I hugged him and kissed him all over his face and felt him get hard inside me again. He heard me moan and that’s all it took.

  “God, I love you,” he groaned into my mouth. And then he kissed me.

  I loved Brad’s kisses, they were like a sneak attack, coming up behind you all stealth like, and then… BAM!… all consuming and totally amazing. They never failed to please. At first soft and sweet, like little feathery whispers against my lips. Then he would urge my mouth open, moving his tongue against mine the same way he moved his cock inside me. Long, sure strokes that hit every pleasure sensor.

  With his cock, he ended each thrust with a small grind to tickle my clit. With his tongue he just continued to make me breathless and dizzy. It’s like his every action was for my pleasure only and never his own. I always got off at least once before he entered me, and then at least once more while he was inside me. Never had I come less than twice while having sex with Brad.

  He moved his mouth to my neck, the spot just behind my ear. I moaned again. That was my spot and he knew it. He shifted his weight to one side, and supported most of it with his forearm, his other hand moved to my breast and he caressed the sides and underneath. His mouth still worked at my neck, lightly licking, softly biting, I arched into him, trying to get more. More of him moving slowly in and out of me.